Happy Tuesday, friends! I'm doing something new here today and I'm going to write an open letter on behalf of the single/divorced people in your lives. I'm writing this with tongue in cheek, but I'm also serious. These are things I'd never have known had I not walked through a divorce. So, grab your coffee and settle in with me this morning for a bit of humorous/sobering entertainment, written (appropriately) on National Ex Spouse Day. Is it still considered to be too soon for me to be joking about my divorce? Did you know that I often deflect with dark humor?
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Dear Married People,
I'm so glad you're in my life. I'm grateful for your friendship, for your love, and for the support you've shown me as of late. I never dreamed this year that my life would change so drastically within such a short amount of time. When I look back from last year at this time and think about where I am now, I am still shocked and reeling. Some days it seems like it's been a minute, and other times it seems like it's been this way forever. I had this thought yesterday as I was helping Jonah with yard work, because this is my new reality. I'm not looking for pity when I say that, but am grateful that I'm capable of doing this myself and that my son is here to help me with the actual hard part of the yard work.
I've learned some things in the last several months that I never would have known had I not walked this journey of divorce and had to start life over as a single woman. This is not for the faint of heart, in case you wondered! Today's world is strange, and women are targets of scams, violence, and theft; I hadn't ever thought of this before since I had a husband at home who was concerned over my whereabouts. Now that I no longer have that, I don't really have anyone watching out for me. Well, I didn't until I started sharing my location with my sons, and my best friends Marilyn, Missy, and Andrea. Now not only do I have seven people watching out for me, I have one person who stalks me regularly. I'm talking to you, Marilyn! 🤣 I would tell you to maybe consider checking on your people if they're not married. It's nice to have someone looking out for us.
I've learned this last year that it's very painful to be around people who speak badly of their husbands. I never did that when I was married, and even if I had a negative thought about him, I would never have spoken it out loud to anyone, not to my mom, my sisters, or my best friends. I am a firm believer that you don't air your dirty laundry in front of people, so to speak. It's actually painful and difficult to hear this from people who talk about their husbands. Maybe don't talk like this in front of your unmarried friends; some of us are divorced and never wanted to be, and others are longing for marriage.
I've learned that I don't love being at home and alone. I appreciate the family and friends who have invited me into their lives and their homes in this last year. The example I'm speaking of is my friend Abbey and her beautiful family. There was a night before the holidays last year that she and her husband invited me over for; I was going with the premise of teaching her how to make sourdough bread, but what I was really going for was physical touch in the form of hugs from her precious children, and quality time spent with one of my very best friends. I walked away from that night sobbing almost uncontrollably because of what it meant to me. I ate dinner with them, shared in their family devotion time, and I even got to write something on their thankful pumpkin as we sat around the table.
I've learned that I need to be invited to everything, whether a performance, a sporting event, or a night in your home, I need to be invited in and don't like having to invite myself. Let me be clear that if I need to do that, I will; I just prefer to be invited. My best friend and her family were a prime example of this, when I was invited for their Thanksgiving celebration and then to her granddaughter's 2nd birthday party a few weeks ago. Consider inviting someone into your home for breakfast, afternoon appetizers, or dinner; this always feels like such a luxury!
I've learned that I miss physical touch so bad that it aches. I miss hugs, kisses, small seemingly careless touches from someone I love. I miss having my hair touched and I miss having someone in the bed beside me. I miss going to sleep to the deep timbre of a man's voice. I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night while I was tired, and I almost fell asleep listening to his voice as he told me a funny story. I didn't realize how much I'd missed that until that happened, but it's a whole thing. I've come to greatly appreciate the hugs that I receive, and I often ask for another one before I leave the presence of a friend. I did this Sunday night when I left my friend's house after the dinner we shared; we did a quick side hug before he walked me to my car, and then I went back for a second hug before I left. I figured it would be literal days before I would get another one, so I had to take one while I had the chance. Offer a hug to your unmarried friends! I often find myself being affectionate with all of my people; I was riding with Abbey to run errands a week ago, and held her hand for part of the time we were in the car together.
I miss all of the ways that I enjoyed physical touch, and I miss the quality time we spent together. I loved spending time with my ex-husband at night while we watched TV together, or when we went on a date, or when we would talk in bed on a leisurely morning. I miss those things and I know I'll never take them for granted again, if I ever have the chance to remarry. I hope this letter speaks to you, encourages you, and challenges you as much as it has for me to write it and think about what my future could possibly look like. I say all these things to you with a smile on my face.
Sincerely,
your divorced friend
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Thanks for reading my blog today, friends. Love to all!
Jenn 🩷❤️
You brought up some great points and things to think about regarding marriage and not taking certain things for granted. I have friends going through what you've gone through. One friend has expressed much of what you have brought up here. I know you know you're not alone but hopefully it helps every time someone says much of the same thing regarding divorce and marriage as you have :). All of the emotions you expressed that you've felt this past year are so valid and I'm thankful that you've written candidly about what's on your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that, my friend! It's interesting about your friend who brought up the same thing to you about divorce. Even though I wasn't the one who did something in my marriage to warrant a divorce, I certainly wasn't a perfect wife. I know there are things I took for granted (like all of us tend to do in life), and I know I never will again, if the Lord ever allows me to be married again. I love my new joy-filled life, but sometimes I miss having a spouse so much that I can barely stand. These are the times when my heart grieves, and I cry. I no longer cry over my ex, and I'm rarely sad or mad at him, but I still cry pretty often as a memory comes rushing back.
DeleteI always appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I cannot wait to hug you in a week and a half! Much love.
Wow. The past two days have been rough on our marriage. Talk about timing Jen
ReplyDeleteIsn't that interesting, the whole timing thing? Marriage is hard! Divorce is hard too, just in a different way. I'm stopping to pray for your marriage right now, friend. xoxo
DeleteReally good post! I will take this to heart! My friend Elizabeth started saying "I love you" to me at the end of phone calls and when we said good bye and I thought it was so sweet.
ReplyDeleteWe often take marriage for granted but it is such a blessing. Tom is not the big gesture guy but the steady dependable acts of service guy. I think that is better for me than the grand gestures.
Thank you, friend. I do the same thing as Elizabeth! I say it all my girlfriends when we hang up, and I appreciate that they know my need for this and that they say it back to me. What a gift! You're right about it being a blessing, and we all take things for granted. I know I did! My ex was like your Tom; it wasn't the big things he did (he didn't do that), but the small and steady ways he showed up for me over the years. I agree and appreciate something small so much more than anything big.
DeleteThis is so beautiful and insightful. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so glad you know Jesus and He can be a husband and friend to you. Thank you so much for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend! I am so glad I know Jesus; I often pray that prayer out of the passage in Isaiah that talks about Him as my Husband. He is that and so much more, including Him being the love of my life. He is all I need!
DeleteI so agree with you on the negative talk. I try to change the subject or just leave the conversation because one thing leads to another and soon everyone is saying what their husband does that irks. I think the safety bit is valid. When my daughter was single and living in an apartment alone I'd have her text me when she got home, no matter the hour. I think it's important to check on people who live alone, whatever the circumstance. I appreciate your honest writing in this difficult season.
ReplyDeleteYes! Isn't that painful? I would do the same thing when I was married, and I still change the subject today if someone starts complaining to me about their men. I'm glad my friend Andrea started this with me; one thing led to another, and now I share my location all the time! Thank you for your kind words! Community and honesty are healing to me. ❤️
DeleteSome poor woman died alone in her apartment a few months ago in the EU, no relatives or neighbors checked and by the time police broke in her pet pugs had eaten her. There are limits on the positive aspects of independence that are celebrated in the west.
DeleteAnonymous- that is heartbreaking. I agree with your statement; we're not meant to walk through life alone!
DeleteSpot on commentary about airing spouse dirty laundry. My sister in law does this at social gatherings and it's embarrassing, someone always has to intervene and change the subject.
ReplyDeleteIt's always so uncomfortable and embarrassing. I agree!
DeleteSo many beautiful points here- speaking negatively about a spouse to friends and fam is just disrespectful for sure. I needed to read this today. So many times I take my marriage for granted. Sometimes I just feel claustrophobic. I just have a feeling for you that you will find love and companionship again because you have such a big heart and so much love to share friend XO
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend. I'm glad this spoke to you today; I think we're all guilty of taking things for granted on a daily basis. Don't beat yourself up! It's good to acknowledge it and then aim to do better, right? I get the claustrophobic feeling...thank you for the kind words, friend. I'm here for whatever God has (or doesn't have) for me. XOXO
DeleteYou know what hurts as a single and divorced person - when married people say on Valentine's Day "Oh, we don't need a holiday to celebrate our love" and you think to yourself "Wow, they have a spouse right there and they can't even make a little gesture and buy a card or bake a cake". I never take that for granted anymore and I don't care if this is a Hallmark holiday, I make this day special for my guy because I have been there without someone special by my side. Molly
ReplyDeleteThat one stings. I said it, but I see what you're saying! I said it because he was never a gift giver and that hurt; to make myself feel better I just said it wasn't a big deal to me, but it was. It was a huge deal, actually! I get not ever taking that for granted again. I'll be the same, if I ever get the chance!
DeleteThis is a fantastic post, thank you for sharing. It was so interesting reading about what you have learned and this has taught me a few things.
ReplyDeleteI think all woman need people looking out for them, we live in such a scary world!
Scary indeed, that's why lots of women have Mr Smith & Wesson or Mr Glock to keep them company.
DeleteThank you, Kim! I'm glad this spoke to you today. I love that, and appreciate you sharing it with me!
DeleteAnonymous- you made me laugh, but I disagree. I don't need (or want) a weapon. They make me uncomfortable! I don't mind other people carrying them, but I would never want to carry because of that.
DeleteThis was such a heartfelt and vulnerable post - thank you for sharing. Even though I have been married for 24 years now, I was single until I was 32. I could think back on my single years and remember so many of these feelings. I was proud to be independent and able to do life on my own, but it was also lonely at times.
ReplyDeleteAnd I completely agree about disliking when others put down or talk bad about their spouse.
DeleteThank you, friend! I can totally see how you would have been proud of yourself for what you accomplished. I would have been proud of myself as well! I am proud of myself now, honestly, because I've learned so much and because I'm here doing it and making it along. It's still not natural for me, but it's getting easier.
DeleteYes! I agree about how uncomfortable that is for everyone, when someone disrespects their spouse in front of someone else.
DeleteI remember all of those feelings and one of the biggest things I've learned (in general, not through divorce) is to ask myself, "Can any good come from this?" - whether it's joining in the negative talk or even listening to the gossip. The vast majority of the time, if I ask myself, I already know the answer is no.
ReplyDeleteI love that, Julie! I'm going to adopt that same question in my life, which pertains to everything. Thank you for sharing that!
DeleteOH gosh I think one of the reasons I dislike parties so much is that I feel like all the women get together and gripe about their spouses and their kids and I feel like I just sit there and say nothing. I try so hard not to join in because even though they all obviously can drive me up the walls at times they really are my favorite people in the world and I would be devastated without them.
ReplyDeleteYes! I always felt the same way! It's so sad. Good for you for not joining in that; it doesn't do any good at all, you know? And that made me laugh, because I always felt the same. I love them, even though at times they make me crazy!
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