The reason I pulled it out is because I had just had an exasperating conversation with one of my sixteen year olds. Anyone who says that boys don't generate drama is WRONG. Dead wrong. All of my sons have had their fair share of drama, and some days, I wonder if I'm going to make it through it all. (I kid.) Anyway, back to the conversation. There is so much talking that takes place nowadays, whether on a social media app, or in a group chat, but it's nonstop. And everyone knows everybody's business. Gone are the days of being private and just keeping things to yourself. These are different days we live in, and I feel bad for the teenagers living through it. Things were so much easier when I was young (I'm 42), and praise the Lord, social media did not exist. And though phones did exist back then, nobody had them, and certainly, nobody had their own private computer at their fingertips that we all have today with our dumb "smart" phones.
That just made me laugh.
Back to the conversation, for the second time. I won't give away which one I was talking to, and what we were talking about, but I was struck with all the "chatter" that takes place today. I gave him a warning to not talk to any of his "friends" about anything negative about anyone, because surely, it will come back and bite him in the hand. I also exhorted him to rise above it all, to act kindly, and with integrity. I wanted to say a lot more than what I did, but I held back some. And that brings me right to the discussion of this book. All of a sudden I remembered that it was sitting there, and I picked it up and then finished it in one sitting.
The author of this book, Jeffrey Dean (NOT to be confused with Jeffrey Dean Morgan), talks about keeping the lines of communication open with our teenagers. I've known this ever since my oldest son became a teenager, but right now on this very day, this is more important now than ever before. Not only do we need to encourage our teenagers to talk to us, we should be engaging them. I learned years ago in youth ministry, that they want to be heard and valued. Most parents don't listen to their teenagers. Nor do they care to. (This was straight out of the mouths of the teenage girls I helped co-lead in a small group each week, I am not making this up.) I'll give you an example: I don't enjoy music other than worship music or whatever is on Air One Radio or K Love. But I don't expect my sons to like that same type of music. I make it a point to know what they like. I'm not super current on this, but I try. Occasionally, I'll listen to secular music so that I can be on the up about it. I don't always succeed, but I try. Todd is much better at this than me. Teenagers want you to know about these things. They want you to know WHY they like certain music, and they want to talk to you about it, and if you ask them questions about it, then you get bonus points.
We have always told our boys that they could tell us any anything and everything. We've always been very open and up front with them, not shying away from difficult topics, and I can say now that it has worked. We still have some teenage years left in our parenting (just three and a half more and they'll all be out of their teens!), but I can honestly say that they tell us just about everything. The reason I know this is because they have told us things I cringed at. I'll stop right here and say again that statement I heard recently that is so true: the same sex parent is the most influential parent. Todd is the most influential parent in our home, and though he is not perfect (nobody is), he has done such a great job at this communication thing. I know that because he ALWAYS knows which girls our sons like. And then he tells me. (I'm laughing.) I love that they talk to him about everything like this, and it does not hurt my feelings at all. I remember so often going upstairs to change at the end of a day, and finding Todd laying across one of their beds, talking to them about all the things. They often shield me from a lot of this, but on nights when he works, they talk to me.
Hence the whole conversation tonight that prompted me to read this book.
Jeffrey Dean talks a lot about the parental roles in this book, as well. There are specific things fathers should be doing, and there are specific things mothers should be doing. He addresses friendships and how to really watch over who they are friends with, weaving scripture throughout it all; he talks about using the same apps our teenagers are using, because we need to be savvy at this whole tech thing as parents. More than anything, though, he talks about what we can still do as their parents to make sure that we always point them to Jesus. Mostly, he encourages and reminds that it is never too late, and to never give up praying over our sons and daughters.
I'll say one thing more, and then I'll hit the publish button. Parents, and this is for my own self as well, we have to know about our teenagers' lives. We need to know who their friends are! There are certain teenagers we do not allow our sons to hang around, and we require that anytime they're not at home, they have to tell us where they are and if they leave, they have to let us know where they're going and who they're with. I know this seems strict, but trust me when I say that it is necessary, and we do this for their good and protection. We will not have this mindset when they turn eighteen, but we've always done this, ever since they turned thirteen. There have been a couple of instances when they weren't completely honest about what they were doing, and though it was not anything "bad" that they were doing, we had to punish them for disobeying the rules we've established. We need to know their friends, we need to know what they're talking about, we need to know who they like, and we need to know about what happens while they're away from home. Our youngest sons are both driving, and that is when our parenting style needs to change. Before they drive, or before their friends drive, it's easier to control their environment. Once they gain that freedom, everything changes.
I'll give you an example of something we should know about, as parents, involving one of my sixteen year olds. He has a new job, at a local pizza place, and was working Thursday night, when some of his friends came in and ordered a pizza. They were videoing him and trying to get him to interact with them while they were Snapchatting, and basically, they were all acting like a bunch of punks. Every single one of them. His manager ended up yelling at them all to either order and pay, or to get out. Truthfully, it could have cost my son his job, but the manager knew he was innocent, and that he is a good kid. These were his friends from church, by the way, the ones who should all know better. He did not get in trouble, but after the manager got onto them all, they even got rude about that and were being INCREDIBLY disrespectful.
I was shocked, when I heard this story, and if my own sons had been involved in something like this, I would want to know as their parent. Sure, it would be embarrassing and sting some, but we need to know things like this, so we can reprimand them and try to teach them the correct way to act! That is why I write all this: we need to know exactly what our teenagers are doing at all times. We're not being controlling and mean, we are protecting them for now, so that when they leave out from under our protective covering, they will make good choices, ones full of integrity. It's important to always do what is right, even more so when nobody is watching. We also need them to own up to their mistakes, and if they make them, then to apologize quickly and then move on. They need to also always stand up for what is right, not cave in to whatever everyone else is doing.
Needless to say, I think everyone should read this book. I think every parent of a teenager should read this, but also, moms and dads to elementary aged kids, because their day is quickly approaching. If you read this and want my copy, let me know, and I'll share. Comment on here or on Facebook, if you're local, and we can meet. Otherwise, it releases this week, on Tuesday September 3, available at any of your favorite retailers. It's a quick read, but one that can be looked back on time and again. This could not have been more timely. Parenting is hard. The teenage years are hard. Life is hard. Even with Jesus, this is so, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without Him. His word is there to guide us through it all, and for that, I am thankful. And also, for authors like this one, and his ministry, to help parents navigate through. Google him and find him on Instagram: his handle there is IAmJeffreyDean.
Thanks for reading. Love to all.
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