musings and such

Last night something hit me, and it was something I already knew, but it was reinforced again, as I sat downstairs watching The Great British Baking Show.  Graham went to the Christmas tree lighting event on the square with Rachel, but the rest of us stayed home.  Having kids out of high school kind of throws all hint of traditions out the window.  One of mine works full time and volunteers with the sheriff's department on the side, and one goes to school full time and works part time every Monday through Friday. 

Even on Monday night when we went to my in-love's house to get all their Christmas decor out of the attic, we went without Drew, because he had work, then school work to come home and get finished before the next day.  And Graham also hadn't planned on being there either, because of a bible study he goes to every Monday night, but it was canceled at the last minute, so he was able to be there with us.  (I'm so thankful for that!)

I know I've said it all before, but I can't help but keep thinking how strange this phase is.  I know I'm supposed to adapt easily as a parent, but it's not as easy for me to do as I had thought it would be.  The theme in my life right now is that I struggle with change.  I'm rolling my eyes at myself.  I don't mind getting older, turning forty didn't bother me, almost two years ago, and turning forty-two won't bother me either, I'm sure, it's just the thought that my kids are growing up on me, and we are rapidly approaching an empty nest.  I know I still have a few years, but in my mind, the boys should still look like this.

Graham was the age the twins are now (fifteen, almost sixteen), Drew was fourteen and the twins were eleven.  I'm going to need someone to hold my hand the day they start moving out.  Like, for good, I mean.  Just yesterday Drew was talking about saving as much money as he could so he could start thinking about moving out after his second year of college.  Um, that is a mere year and a half away.  He wants to work in a hospital, so they will pay for him to go through school.  I told him that was a great plan, but that he needed to talk to his friend and old Sunday school teacher about it now.  And Graham could pretty much move any day.  I don't know if it's on his radar yet, but he could easily make the move and be on his own.  It'd be tight for him, financially, but he could do it, especially if he were to have a roommate. 

I don't write all this to ask for sympathy, because truthfully, I am also loving this stage of life as much as I did when they were young.  They're turning into great men and guys, and they are genuinely fun to be around.  They still make me laugh harder than any other people on this earth, and we always have fun together.  Whoever said the days are long, but the years are short hit the nail on the head, is all I'm saying.  I cannot believe how quickly almost twenty years have flown by.  It seems like all I did was blink, and POOF!  There they went.  Also, it's true that once your kids get to middle school, it flies.  I told that to a friend just a couple of weeks ago.  And when I say that, know that I homeschool.  For homeschooling families, time usually goes by a little slower it seems, because we are together all the time. 

I'm just reminiscing a tad, I suppose, on this lovely day.  I will say that feeling all these emotions I feel right now is forcing me to look for more moments of togetherness.  I am more present in all of the moments that happen, and more often than not, I never take pictures of them anymore, one because they never like them and don't let me post them, and two because I want the moment, not the picture.  If you're a mom of little ones, remember this.  Take a picture or two to document what you're doing, and then just put the phone down.  And then consider going home and writing all about it in a journal.  That's what I always did, because smart phones were not a thing back then.  I still do this, in fact.  Every moment I want to remember goes in my journal.  Whether it's about them, or our parents, I write about it.  I use whatever journal I'm currently using, but you could keep one just for moments with family.  You could also have the pictures printed and keep track of them on a year long basis.  I did that a few years ago when I got a new journal for my birthday. 

Another little piece of advice I will give is to say the words "I love you" as much as you can.  Almost every single time any one of them walk out the door, I say that to them.  I say it to them at random times.  I say it every single night before I go to bed, if I'm at home.  I say it to Rachel, whom I love like she's mine, and I say it to a few of their friends who stop by (Alex and Andrew, my bonus sons), and those friends ALWAYS say it back to me.  (This sounds strange.  The two boys I mention were around so much and so often, that they know I love them like they're my own.  I do not randomly say it to just anyone.)  If something were ever to happen to me, I never want them to doubt my love for them.  Also, I grew up with my mom saying that to me all the time, and I'm following her example.  I still say it to all our parents, and to our siblings, nieces, and nephews.  I'm affectionate, and I say "I love you" all the time, what can I say? 

I think it's that I'm so full of love with the Lord that it just overflows into every other area of my life. 

That's what I'll go with, anyway, because it sounds better than me just being weird.  ;)

Well, this post took a bit of a different turn that I had originally planned, but I'll go with that as well.  Thanks for reading!  Love to all.  (Ha...now you know why I say that.)