pity party anyone?

I really shouldn't have a blog about the pity party I feel like having, but I'm gonna.  And yes, I know that sentence is not correct.  I don't want to talk about it.

I was sad tonight when I walked into my Bible study group.  There were maybe twelve women in there and when I walked in they all turned around...and then didn't say one.single.word. to me.  Not one.  They don't even know my name and have never asked to know it.  Even though I've asked many of theirs.  I almost cried for the friends I left behind at First Assembly.  In fact, even as I write that last sentence, my eyes are welling up with tears. 

Then my sweet friend Ginger walked in and sat beside me in the front row.  (We're the favorites.  HA.  Just kiddin'.  Kinda.  Although we are the ones that answer most of the questions and talk the most.)  When I told her how sad that made me, she leaned over and me and hugged me.  Whew.  Gettin' all teary again. 

Our facilitator wasn't there tonight.  Usually I would just talk to her and Ginger, but I beat Ginger there and Lori is about to be birthing a grandbaby.  Well.  Not herself, but you get my drift. 

Another friend, Andrea, walked in and Ginger and I talked to her, too.  She was there with the dvd so we could get started.  And she hugged me, too. 

I guess the reason I'm laying this all out here (other than to show you that I have sad/bad days) is to let you know that as much as I love our new place of worship, I desperately miss things about my old church, Memphis First Assembly of God.  I miss the friendships that I had there.  I'm working so hard to make new ones in my new place of worship, but it takes time.  And honestly, after tonight, I'm a little discouraged.  Kind of a lot discouraged, honestly. 

I love my Bible study on the book of James, but as much as I love it, I get the feeling that many women who are doing it are participating just to be participating.  Or maybe to hear Beth Moore speak.  I don't know if they don't care to do the homework and grow spiritually, or if they just don't like it, or what.  For someone like me, who is doing it to grow closer to God and to become more Christ like, it is sad that they are not as thrilled with it as I have been. 

And that last sentence makes me miss my friend, Norma, who facilitated our Bible studies at F/A.  She got every bit as excited as I did over a good Bible study and a fresh word from God. 

Maybe I'm wrong in my speculations (and that is all they are).  Maybe I'm not. 

But tonight, as I write this, my heart hurts for the old friendships I left behind.  Not that they're still not my friends.  They always will be...I just don't get to see them anymore.  My dad and I often talk of how things like this are going to make Heaven so amazing.  Imagine all the people we'll see again...ones who have gone on before us, and friends that we had here on earth, maybe to never be seen again in this earthly realm. 

Please excuse me, as I am super emotional tonight.  I wanted to share a little glimpse of how sometimes I can be really insecure in who I am.  I know WHOSE I am, and I know my hope and confidence should only come from Him, but sometimes I have nights like this.  I'm not saying we're going to go back to our old church.  We're not.  We're going to tough it out and cultivate relationships here that will be similar to what we left behind at First Assembly.  Not exactly the same, but similar.  I hope.  Surely, right?

I know that tonight is just what I titled this...a pity party.  And I'll be fine.  I'll get past this and the next time I write, things will be great again. 

It's just that sometimes, girls need a good cry.  Thanks for letting me have mine on here.

Love to all.